Sunday, October 12, 2008
i love exploring the universe.
oh, we ferocious beasts!
oh we cravers of blood and flesh.
WE DEMAND A SACRIFICE
we watch them crawl and break themselves in half before us, to what end and for why? we cheer because we cant accomplish this, because we want flesh!
BRING US THE BLOOD
what a bunch of sacrifice junkies we are. what an obvious thing to have a "one ultimate sacrifce." we are saved through the blood because it is what we feast on. we are but vampires, craving a victim.
what an iconic display of aggression this was tonight. watching the gladiatiors before us fight the universe and break themselves for our pleasure. in return we give them a goal, a personal satisfacion to keep. even a trophy. but that is not what was claimed here tonight. no, what was taken was their body, broken for us all. what we drank was their sweat and blood, splashed and spilled out on the ground before us. some lap it up on the streets on all fours like dogs, but us? we feast on their very souls with feriocious sharp, biting teeth. we rip the muscles and tear the sinews off their bones as we burrow to the core of what makes a man, of what breaks a man. the essesnce of a soul, pounded to nothing as we burn the remains to examine the flame.
W E C R A V E B L O O D
and there is never enough.
is a definition of a successful person one who will gladly spill his blood for us all? if not success, what does it then. what is the thing called as we watch it all
c
r
u mble before our eyes. like so many pieces of rock and metal falling and burning like so many rains.
jeezus. look at all that. what has where has my head become? where is that all from?
WE DEMAND A SACRIFCE. WE DEMAND BLOOD.
what more can i give to the one who gave it all?
god, that's nothing more than a relfex. how terrible! to have littled something- no the only thing.
wait wait, no my point was that the masses don't understand.
the draw of it all is not the blood, but the relationship. so many find them selves looking at a weekend service cheering like gladiatiors, when the true reality is foudn away,- inside. when you go away and think. when you find yourself lost within where you are for sure. its the inside part that matters. not the actions. not the self sacrifice. not even THE sacrifice. but what truly matters is the soul. what we devour so easily on stage before us.
we can feed off of it because it is what truly matters. it is powerful enough to give us even that much. to give us the illusion of being okay.
perhaps it just a case of having
THE WRONG ApPROACH.
--- --- ---
tonight was iron man. it was moving. such a great place to go down and think. tripped out on the crowd. with all their freebies. they loved to win too. because
YOU CAN WIN TOO
okay that's enough of that
man, lets just stop it there.
okay, well iron man was intense this year, for good reasons and to GREAT effect.
oh we cravers of blood and flesh.
WE DEMAND A SACRIFICE
we watch them crawl and break themselves in half before us, to what end and for why? we cheer because we cant accomplish this, because we want flesh!
BRING US THE BLOOD
what a bunch of sacrifice junkies we are. what an obvious thing to have a "one ultimate sacrifce." we are saved through the blood because it is what we feast on. we are but vampires, craving a victim.
what an iconic display of aggression this was tonight. watching the gladiatiors before us fight the universe and break themselves for our pleasure. in return we give them a goal, a personal satisfacion to keep. even a trophy. but that is not what was claimed here tonight. no, what was taken was their body, broken for us all. what we drank was their sweat and blood, splashed and spilled out on the ground before us. some lap it up on the streets on all fours like dogs, but us? we feast on their very souls with feriocious sharp, biting teeth. we rip the muscles and tear the sinews off their bones as we burrow to the core of what makes a man, of what breaks a man. the essesnce of a soul, pounded to nothing as we burn the remains to examine the flame.
W E C R A V E B L O O D
and there is never enough.
is a definition of a successful person one who will gladly spill his blood for us all? if not success, what does it then. what is the thing called as we watch it all
c
r
u mble before our eyes. like so many pieces of rock and metal falling and burning like so many rains.
jeezus. look at all that. what has where has my head become? where is that all from?
WE DEMAND A SACRIFCE. WE DEMAND BLOOD.
what more can i give to the one who gave it all?
god, that's nothing more than a relfex. how terrible! to have littled something- no the only thing.
wait wait, no my point was that the masses don't understand.
the draw of it all is not the blood, but the relationship. so many find them selves looking at a weekend service cheering like gladiatiors, when the true reality is foudn away,- inside. when you go away and think. when you find yourself lost within where you are for sure. its the inside part that matters. not the actions. not the self sacrifice. not even THE sacrifice. but what truly matters is the soul. what we devour so easily on stage before us.
we can feed off of it because it is what truly matters. it is powerful enough to give us even that much. to give us the illusion of being okay.
perhaps it just a case of having
THE WRONG ApPROACH.
--- --- ---
tonight was iron man. it was moving. such a great place to go down and think. tripped out on the crowd. with all their freebies. they loved to win too. because
YOU CAN WIN TOO
okay that's enough of that
man, lets just stop it there.
okay, well iron man was intense this year, for good reasons and to GREAT effect.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
)) <> ((
had an illuminating conversation today with a like-minded friend. it is however, quite late and i do need to get to bed. this much though, must be immortalized here- said while watching the fantastic film, me you and everyone we know at the part when the two weird people finally express their true feelings for one another:
friend: "wow, that is certainly moving fast."
me: "well, why not it's not like there's anyone else in the universe for these two..."
"no no no, just because two people are equally weird doesn't mean that they have any buisness being in a long-term relationship or...
"okay wait, stop. now, say that again one more time, slowly, and i'll listen and you will listen and we will remember that for the rest of our lives."
"hah, what are you trying to say, that i only get together with weird people?"
"no, it's just important information for weird people like ourselves"
"haha, well, i forgot what i said."
it's a good thing that i didn't forget it, cause damn that's some good advice!
friend: "wow, that is certainly moving fast."
me: "well, why not it's not like there's anyone else in the universe for these two..."
"no no no, just because two people are equally weird doesn't mean that they have any buisness being in a long-term relationship or...
"okay wait, stop. now, say that again one more time, slowly, and i'll listen and you will listen and we will remember that for the rest of our lives."
"hah, what are you trying to say, that i only get together with weird people?"
"no, it's just important information for weird people like ourselves"
"haha, well, i forgot what i said."
it's a good thing that i didn't forget it, cause damn that's some good advice!
Thursday, October 02, 2008
look at how even my writing style has changed. is it because i think noone is listening? who am i talking to now?
okay, new post. seven months later. it wasn't real and that's the last i think i'll ever say of that. my mom finally came in july. shit has been mostly working out. nothig spectacular, but at least i'm seem to have a general day-to-day happiness that has always seemed to elude me before.
the day now is wednesday night, i've been sick for almost a week and i do feel like i'm dying. there's a little black dot in my eye- almost as if a tiny bit of pepper got stuck in its sticky blueness and won't go away. just another symptom i suppose.
there's so much to write that can't be written, but this is just the nature of this public place. unfortunate though, because it is all mostly relevant to the general feeling that i'm feeling at this point in time. i feel a need to restart, to draw inward and grow in a different direction.
i want to shed habits that have formed- patterns of thought, things i say of myself, actions that come to me unwarranted except by the several weeks before them. its all my own fault and my own decisions and i do own that. i own everything that i feel that i'm going through right now.
hah- i must be tipping forward over the gap of introversion...i reopened this blog to write my thoughts and journal these feelings! indeed, winter must be coming. it's the first day of october and the weather has slightly changed, it's not so hot right now. quite cool at times actually. it's a wonderful time on the island.
maybe my own soul is set to chicgao time. last week was three years of living here and i can't seem to shake that dread that comes down like a black ghost to say that fall is in full swing and winter is next- even when there is no cold to speak of in any way shape or form! there is nothing to dread here about winter, and to be frank, i don't even consider it. why am i writing about it?
bizarre.
what i'm trying to say is that i do feel like dying and i'm sick and i've done things that i feel that god would have to punish with sickness and death. that's too extreme. lighten that a bit. i feel as if i do need to be smacked around a bit by the creator. it's been nearly a year of wandering- who have i become! have i forever altered my thoughts and brain and body and soul and face? i have a black speck in my eye!
that can't be good on either a metaphorical or literal sense.
hopefully i broke this webpage long enough that no one will ever read it again. what was the point of coming over here to write? what did i have to say?
i feel as if i am dying, as if my body is breaking for the sake of my soul and i don't have concrete evidence of that...yet. let this stand as the record that i felt it happen without anyone telling me. one of the most valuable traits a person can have is to be a good son- to allow the older mentors around us to lift us up and guide us to success. true of god, true of the elders in my life and work- and true now, seeing as how i have not been a good son and i am not exactly rising to the top of the world on a magic carpet of success. i am doing fine.
everything is fine.
hah- that's a fantastic ending!
the day now is wednesday night, i've been sick for almost a week and i do feel like i'm dying. there's a little black dot in my eye- almost as if a tiny bit of pepper got stuck in its sticky blueness and won't go away. just another symptom i suppose.
there's so much to write that can't be written, but this is just the nature of this public place. unfortunate though, because it is all mostly relevant to the general feeling that i'm feeling at this point in time. i feel a need to restart, to draw inward and grow in a different direction.
i want to shed habits that have formed- patterns of thought, things i say of myself, actions that come to me unwarranted except by the several weeks before them. its all my own fault and my own decisions and i do own that. i own everything that i feel that i'm going through right now.
hah- i must be tipping forward over the gap of introversion...i reopened this blog to write my thoughts and journal these feelings! indeed, winter must be coming. it's the first day of october and the weather has slightly changed, it's not so hot right now. quite cool at times actually. it's a wonderful time on the island.
maybe my own soul is set to chicgao time. last week was three years of living here and i can't seem to shake that dread that comes down like a black ghost to say that fall is in full swing and winter is next- even when there is no cold to speak of in any way shape or form! there is nothing to dread here about winter, and to be frank, i don't even consider it. why am i writing about it?
bizarre.
what i'm trying to say is that i do feel like dying and i'm sick and i've done things that i feel that god would have to punish with sickness and death. that's too extreme. lighten that a bit. i feel as if i do need to be smacked around a bit by the creator. it's been nearly a year of wandering- who have i become! have i forever altered my thoughts and brain and body and soul and face? i have a black speck in my eye!
that can't be good on either a metaphorical or literal sense.
hopefully i broke this webpage long enough that no one will ever read it again. what was the point of coming over here to write? what did i have to say?
i feel as if i am dying, as if my body is breaking for the sake of my soul and i don't have concrete evidence of that...yet. let this stand as the record that i felt it happen without anyone telling me. one of the most valuable traits a person can have is to be a good son- to allow the older mentors around us to lift us up and guide us to success. true of god, true of the elders in my life and work- and true now, seeing as how i have not been a good son and i am not exactly rising to the top of the world on a magic carpet of success. i am doing fine.
everything is fine.
hah- that's a fantastic ending!
Thursday, March 06, 2008
i'm just gonna bitch for a minute.
i'm very burnt out- been sick for a couple weeks with no time to rest. i work all day, every day just to make ends meet...unsuccessfully. i'm about negative $500 a month right now with just rent and bills, before i consider money to live and eat. it's very discouraging to work over 12 hours every day just to not make it work. i'm eternally grateful for hooters and the fact that i managed to save some money that is now long gone.
what's killer is my $1500 rent. paying it by myself while i wait for my mom to come. she was supposed to be here months ago, and this wouldn't have even been an issue. i'd move, but i need to keep the place i have now to have enough room for us. as if i even have time right now to look for a place or move. hah.
i just got bored with writing this. don't worry, lots of other things are wrong too.
i'm very burnt out- been sick for a couple weeks with no time to rest. i work all day, every day just to make ends meet...unsuccessfully. i'm about negative $500 a month right now with just rent and bills, before i consider money to live and eat. it's very discouraging to work over 12 hours every day just to not make it work. i'm eternally grateful for hooters and the fact that i managed to save some money that is now long gone.
what's killer is my $1500 rent. paying it by myself while i wait for my mom to come. she was supposed to be here months ago, and this wouldn't have even been an issue. i'd move, but i need to keep the place i have now to have enough room for us. as if i even have time right now to look for a place or move. hah.
i just got bored with writing this. don't worry, lots of other things are wrong too.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
it's real.
yeah, gonna go ahead and say that it's looking like the real deal, people.
amazing. i waited so long. it's so worth it.
amazing. i waited so long. it's so worth it.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
wait a minute...
is this for real? really?
is it really happening?
that would be so cool.
is it really happening?
that would be so cool.