pooh on that. POOH-ON-THAT. i'm tired of this crap. everybody is getting hit with their hardest things right now, and finding it hard to LOVE. well guess what. there's something trying to make it hard for you, there's something pulling you down, telling you the wrong things, so that you feel like crap. suck it man. i'm not gonna stand for this anymore. Ryan, you're awesome. people look up to you because you're solid, because things don't shake you. but if the truth is that you just don't show anything, maybe it's time to make a change, tell people what you're feeling, don't be afraid, cause the one's that stand by you will be the ones that matter. and people WILL stand by you. Chuck, suck it up, learn what love is really about. Me, live the words that i've been given to tell everyone else. wow. what the heck did i just do?

ryan- for what it's worth...i need you.
i'd miss you...
you're the glue that holds it all together.
you're my brother, and i love you very, very much.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU KNOW.

let me know what you need...please.
i'm here for you, forever...no matter what.
...even if you do steal pizza. ;)

if i were to dissapper for awhile, i wonder how many people would actually miss me. i figure not that many. i would probably just get the usual oh haven't seen you in awhile(not that i really care about you) response from people. the lets play nice on the outside response. i don't feel that deep down many people would care that i was gone. i'm not really that well noticed and i'm not really seen as approachable so why should people care. i'm just part of the background anyway.

jon: 2
chuck: 2
ryan: 4

punishment: death.

ryan ate 4 pieces of the pizza! what a jerk.

i don't know, this site's looking kinda boring now. i guess it's cause i UPDATED MY SITE and it looks cool now. and all my old posts from back in the day are archived. and there's even a couple pictures of me, for all those people who never knew. wow, fun. i'm tired. i'm hungry. i'm more insightful on my site. i should write some new songs.

it used to be so easy to be a nice guy, but i guess then i didn't have anything to give and people didn't want anything from me.

I think that one legend that will be told through all generations and across all cultures is the story of popeye.

hey chuck, someone's trying to steal your template. haha. that's diary-x for you, you "diary boy". i woke today at one o'clock in the afternoon (a song was swimmin in my head) and the wind was blowing in from the window above me (i hummed it to myself as i got out of bead). wait a second... wind, window... I GET IT!!!!

my eyes are dry.

stopped at fremd after the beach to see jacqui for a minute...
found out from ashlee that holly's engaged.
i don't know anything other than that.

i'm gonna find out more later today...
i don't know what i'm feeling, but it's a very, very large feeling.
lift me up, brothers.
lift me up as hard as you can.

hey, we made new stickers!

awake, no sleeping. gonna see the color today. gonna drive to the beach. it's spring, no dangit, it's summer, but missing someone. can't call it summer then. i'm hooked. 2am, only 2 hours or so to go. should we stop by the walgreen's? with a perfect body and straight teeth, and strings swelling every time i blink. i was gonna stick some sort of cool image on this post, but chuck's computers are not cooperating right now. frickwad. (i think i stole that word from danielle, and i never really meant to use it.)

yes, the new Gloria Record album Start Here is beauty. though i admit, i downloaded more than half of it like three months ago, so most of the songs aren't new to me, but i bought it, so it's ok. and it rules. it's something i need right now. what else do i need right now?

i've got blood on my windshield.

and now a message from my mother:
Whoever is eating my Ghiradelli dark chocolate is risking their life!

ok, so....i'm declaring saves the day - this is not an exit as the song of the week. here's why:
every night i've hung out with jacqui, that song is heard on our home stretch- as i'm taking her home. and to me, it's like...the perfect end of the day song. the references to walking of the stage, knowing that you've given it your all and tried your best is something i'd like to say at the end of every day. the rocks may scrape our backs, but we gotta keep floating. the song is awesome, the melody is great, and what it has to say is something i'd like to say i do. so that's why this is not an exit, is song of the week.

ok, i'm gonna go find someone to talk to.
i've got an hour, and there's gotta be a lonely somebody looking for an ear to speak to.
time's a wasting.
i need to give today my all, and try my best to make someone else's great.
/chuck

There is an endless struggle between me and getting a job. It pains me to think of working the night shift again, but it is looking unavoidable. Another 2 months of suffering for money that won't even last me to the end of the summer and in the end I've gain nothing except a waste of my time.

interest here seems to be slipping. everyone go to my site cause it's cool. and sign the guestbook. yes, yes do that. chuck is boring, him and his "diary". those diary kids all group together, but blogger is the answer. diary's are for girls. 7AMpink, that would be a diary. i'm done, for now.

i'm handing in my pyschology paper in a few minutes. it's complete junk. but whatever. hey, didn't i say no more blatant stupidity?

the wind blows through my window, i feel it rush against my chest as i lay down, trying to get some rest. these days will never end. i'll find it all undone. when will that smile ever come? i'll pass it off, and fall asleep.

in a recent scientific study,
it was revealed that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

that is all.

so today, at mc donalds, i decided that i'm gonna start taking more chances with people. i'm gonna start talking to random people about random things, i'm gonna start encouraging people i don't even know when they least expect it. i've been doing this already with people's diary-x guestbooks, and i'm taking it to real life now.

i've got 2 tries so far, and one major success.
1- a girl at mcdonalds, who turned out to be there for "orientation"
2- the three janitors outside fremd, who i told to have a great night. they appreciated it, and honestly seemed a bit shocked that i talked to them.

i'm gonna journal about these things in my journal. so yeah, that's it for now.
good night, world. :)

i don't care what anyone else thinks, dark chocolate is good.

i'm on the fourth paragraph now. and inbetween writing i've been thinking of things we can do with this site. yeah, that'll be fun. i'm declaring Jimmy Eat World's "For Me This is Heaven" the song of the day, cause man, that song's awesome, and it'll last forever. if only others things had that guarantee (is that spelled right? it doesn't matter.) "close my eyes and believe whereever you are an angel for me."

so i'm in the middle of writing this pyschology paper. yeah. it's supposed to be about my thoughts on psychology-vs.-theology. the problem is, I DON'T HAVE ANY. that's right, no thoughts at all on this garbage. all i know about psychology is that when someone says something to you, but you don't catch it right away so you say "what?" but then realize what they said as you asked the question, it's called echoic memory. so what that has against theology and Christianity i know not. garbage. i tell ya it's all garbage. i need to somehow make up some stuff to make this two pages long. right now i've got about two paragraphs. they're not even good paragraphs. all i basicly did was define psychology as the textbook did. bah, college is dumb.

Austria! who's checking our site from Austria? this is too crazy. 4AM take over.

NEW RULE: no more blatant stupidity. i mean come on, we've got people from Austria coming here.

You sir are a baby buttface.

this just in, Ryan is amazing...who's posting those lies?
they should be shot.

in other news, i'm a clean shaven man for the first time since thursday. since there's noone around to enjoy it but me now...and i don't enjoy it...i shaved it off.
call me baby buttface if you want, but i like the way my face feels.
so there.

This just in... Ryan is amazing!

dude, why do you always use Verdana, dude? it doesn't look good big. verdana for small, arial for big... it's common graphical sense. haha. brak's gonna get some ladies.

"do you think there's room for a nice girl like Cindy here, in your act?"
"there's always room for beauty, in the world of magic, doug."

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

there is still hope.

Low rider trucks... what are these people thinking?

i don't belong here. i wish i was special. i need to get out. something needs to go right. when will it ever settle down. why am i almost twenty. i should be seventeen. i feel like i'm seventeen. i know i'm seventeen. i wanna be seventeen again. it's not sunday, and i don't want to wake up! surrender this. i am yours.

and then, it's gone.
washed out by thoughts of today...
pushed out of the sky by a unrisen sun that thinks it has something to say.
watered down by life, one of the most wonderful things in the world,
(and hardest to find)
gets replaced by something that seems more important.

we know the truth though, right my friends?
we know that some of the most beautiful things in life are found underneath those that promote themselves as beautiful and special and unique...it's under these things that we'll find the true beauty and the glorious truth. we must look under the shiny objects- the attention getters of this life. that's where our treasure lies.

i'm tired.
wow.
i've got a psychology paper to write.
i wonder if i'll ever get around to it.

i have enough time.
no doubt about that.
off to work on something that's due today-
chuck

it's 5.43 and my blue is almost here.
i made up my mind to catch it before i go to sleep...
bottle it up in my head and remember it again.

it's 5.44 and my blue is coming soon.
even the birds know it...i can hear them whispering to each other:
"the revolution is starting...don't sleep through it. wake up..."

it's 5.50 and my blue is upon us.
i remember the night i discovered it, and i realized a minute ago
that the birds knew it all along. 4amBlue is their wake up call.
they get up 15 minutes before, wake the others and enjoy my color.
the sky glows blue, painted by a sun that isn't here yet...
as if the world is in earer anticipation for a new day,
4amBlue wakes us all, shakes us from our rest...
motivates to get moving. to do something with yourself.
to do something with your life.

i'm going to make something of today,
and screw me if that means just sitting in school,
dreaming of other things.

i'm enjoying my blue now, but it's hard...
every time you look back at it, it's changed.
4amBlue lasts for but a second, and then
*poof*
it's gone. vanished like it wasn't ever there,
and you're left with the sense that maybe everything
doesn't last
quite as long
as you thought
it would.

wake up world, 4amBlue is leaving.
this is your chance.

so here i am at 4am, and my blue is still nowhere to be found.
this is my only indication that it's spring.

tonight i found myself somewhere else...after taking you home i slipped into a place that has been vacant since 40 degrees.
i found myself again, Jon.
i found the spring that my best thoughts come out of.
i found my thinking-place in my head.

something's going to happen soon, either in me or you or something else...
but something's going on.
something's gonna happen.
it's in the air.
something's gonna change...
...something needs to.

Album of the moment:
Thievery Corporation - Sounds From the Thievery Hi-Fi

another day. i must sleep. again i'll have to face it all. again i'll have to surrender it all. i never imagined anything being this hard. i never imagined love, not like this, not at all. "this time the songs will write the words to the music i've been making. the walks that i've been taking have been getting longer."

i'll post something significant later. right now i'm tired, of everything. if someone's trying to crack me they're sure hitting the right spots, but i don't know what they want me to do. maybe that's it, they want me to be confused, unsure of my future. but no, my future is set. i'm in His hands. i just wish there was something i could do, say, give... to make it all ok. to have for one moment, that feeling again, to see that smile and know it was mine. not some heart-felt encouragement, that one day it'll be good. but the knowledge that it is, and will be. it's too much to ask. so i wait.

this weekend was good...beginning to realize that summer is a mindset...a mindset that nothing's really going on, except hanging out with whoever's around at the moment. summer is thinking that you have nothing to do today at all. i've been in a great mood ever since the top came off...i believe with all my heart that this summer is going to be absolutely wonderful...

miguel came up to me and asked what (i was breathing, heh) 4amBlue was all about...heh, i'm like...um, we're gonna do some really cool stuff with it, you'll see. i kinda wanted to push him over and put my foot on his chest and scream, "we're gonna paint the world blue, miguel. 4 AM BLUE!!!" but i didn't. so is life. yeah. lets do something cool with this....something, blue.